...my innocence.
I often miss it. I was truly happy in my innocent little world. These days, though I think about it, I try not to dwell on it. But, I must admit that, at times, the thought lingers when I’m idle in my day. I feel as though I gave it away too freely–to the wrong experiences and people. I didn’t know any better. I trusted when I should not have, but I didn’t even have people around that I could trust to warn me. So, all I thought I could do after everything was wish I could undo it–take it back. And there was a time when I fought against regret, holding onto the hope that somehow I could reclaim what was lost. But in the end, I had to accept that innocence, once given, cannot be taken back. I had to let go of the desire to undo the past.
I know now that those who trampled on my innocence were never meant to cherish it. They were there to take advantage, and for a long time, that realization stung. But I also know that God does not let anything go to waste–not even our pain.
“And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” -Romans 8:28
I once heard someone at church say that God collects our tears in a bottle. The thought was so comforting that I looked it up in Scripture for myself:
“You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in Your bottle. You have recorded each one in Your book.” -Psalm 56:8
That verse gave me peace, because if my tears matter enough to God that He keeps track of them, then none of my suffering has been in vain–in the big picture; the biggest picture frame.
There were nights I wondered if I would ever stop crying over the pain I endured. I wished so badly that I didn’t have to experience certain things, because they left scars–deep ones. And yet, even when I don’t understand the cruelty of this world, I still believe in God’s love. Even when He feels far away, I remind myself:
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” -Psalm 34:18
One day, all of this will be over. The pain, the burdens, the weight of everything I’ve endured; it will all be lifted. I will be free, restored and made whole in the presence of The One who has loved me most. That is the hope I hold onto after everything: my Elohim, my Yah.
I used to cling to many things in life, but now, the only thing I hold onto is Him.
“Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.” -Colossians 3:2
Maybe my “innocence” in the way I once knew in this life it is gone, but I’ve come to understand that true innocence is not naivety–it is the heart that God placed within me before I was ever even born. No matter what I’ve been through, my heart has remained intact, not because of my own strength, but because God Himself has held it together.
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” -Psalm 147:3
And that is enough for me.
If there’s anything I would tell that more innocent version of my self, it would be to believe in God no matter what. Just stay recognizing Him; know that He is God! Stay close to Him and everything will be alright.
Thank you for sticking around!
I pray many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many blessings over you,
xoxoxoxoxoxo
Rosalyn Rose