...have an alcoholic drink.
I was severely discouraged about life in that moment. I didn’t truly want to, but I drank it anyway, thinking one drink wouldn’t be a big deal. But, it ended in disaster–not in a way that harmed anyone else, but in a way that only deepened my despair. It didn’t make my problems disappear. It didn’t offer relief. Instead, it left me feeling convicted, worse than before.
So now, I know. I cannot drink ever again. It does nothing for me. God is my only hope.
“The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.” -Psalm 18:2
But sometimes, waiting on Him–especially in my predicament–feels so discouraging. Even though He tells me not to be discouraged, I still am. Even though He commands me not to worry, I still do. Right now, I’m doubting Him, even though I know I shouldn’t. I’m just so tired of things going wrong when I’m trying my best. It makes me feel like giving up, like I won’t ever win.
“I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.” -Psalm 27:13-14
I hope that God will have mercy on me and forgive my doubts and unbelief. I know He is patient and kind, even when my faith is weak. But I am weary of this fallen world. I am tired of the backstabbing, the cheating, the trauma, the empty hands, the hatred, the lies, the theft. I’m tired of how people seem to only care about themselves, ignoring the suffering of others. Is it only when Jesus returns that this will all stop?
“He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” -Revelation 21:4
I don’t mean to be a downer, but I need to be honest about where I am. This is my place to be truthful. And I will never believe that anything other than God is the answer. But when I don’t feel His presence–even though I know He is there–I don’t know what to do but wait. Wait in hopes that somehow, someway, He will come to my (our) rescue.
“The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” -Exodus 14:14
I’m afraid of being let down–even though deep down, I know He never truly lets me down, even when my heartache blinds me. So, I will hang on as best as I can. For as long as I can. I am trying. I am really trying with all my heart.
“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” -Psalm 73:26
I hope this resonates with you. Maybe you are in a trying season of your own that seems never-ending. Please know that you aren’t alone in these feelings and God sees your heart even in your struggles. Keep holding on, even when it’s hard. That’s what I’m doing against all the odds. Please keep believing that He is near, even in the silence. Even when it seems like nothing is changing for the better but getting worse.
I’m here even if you just want to leave a comment to confide in me. I know what it feels like to be left all alone. Please know, that as long as I’m here, you aren’t alone.
xoxo forever and ever and ever…just for you!
I pray many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many blessings over you,
Rosalyn Rose